How to Pick Up Chicks

My one son is 15 years old.  Just like any other male teenager, he thinks he is Gods gift to the female species.  He is tall and handsome.  He has these long lanky legs, soft longish blond hair and the start of some awesome muscles.  He is really good looking and he knows it.

Handsome Man

For example – we have a big round mirror in our lounge and every time he walks in, he gets this huge grin on his face when he notices himself.  He then does this little flick of his long blond fringe and flexes his muscles and makes some or other comment about how good looking he is, or rubs his abdomen and tells us to look at his six pack or utters a corny pick up line or two.

It is quite entertaining to watch and it usually has me in stitches when he walks though the room.

So I thought I would start writing down some of his corny pick up lines and eventually I asked him to write some of them down and I would blog about them.  So here goes – “How to pick up Chicks” according to my 15 year old!

  • Damn, if being sexy was a crime, I’d be guilty as charged!
  • Smoking is hazardous to your health… and baby you’re killing me!
  • You shouldn’t wear makeup, its messing with perfection
  • Do you have a band-aid?… cause I scraped my knee falling for you
  • You look cold, do you want to use me as a blanket?
  • Sorry, but you owe me a drink. ….Because I dropped mine when I looked at you
  • I’m not drunk, I’m intoxicated by you!
  • Not even Snape could sever us apart
  • Hey girl! Are you made if copper and tellurium?… because you are CuTe!
  • You must be the square root of 2 because I feel irrational around you
  • Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what its made of?… Boy friends material.
  • How about we find a dark room and see what develops?…
  • I wish I were DNA helicase so I could unzip you genes
  • Whenever I’m around you I undergo anaerobic respiration because you take my breath away!
  • Good thing I bought my library card… because I AM CHECKING YOU OUT!!
  • Kiss me if I’m wrong but dinosaurs still exist right?…
  • Theres something wrong with my phone… it doesn’t has your number
  • Excuse me… I seem to have dropped something (what?) my jaw.
  • You with all those curves! and me with no brakes!
  • I lost my phone number… can I have yours?…
  • You see my friend over there?… he wants to know if you think I’m cute
  • I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away
  • You know what would look good on you?… Me!
  • Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?…
  • If I said you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?…
  • If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U and I together…
  • Is it hot in here or is it just you.
  • Do you have a wrench?… because every time I look into your eyes my nuts tighten 
  • Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
  • Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he’s missing an angel!
  • Can I get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist?
  • Hey, I lost my phone number … Can I have yours?
  • Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.
  • Do you work for NASA? Because you’re out of this world
  • Hi, I have big feet
  • I hope there’s a fireman around, cause you’re smokin’!
  • Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
  • You’re so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line
  • I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight
  • Why don’t you sit on my lap and tell me the first thing that pops up?
  • If you were homework, I’d be doing you right here on my desk!
  • I lost my teddy bear, will you sleep with me tonight?
Have you got any you want to ad?

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Just for a Laugh

This was sent to me via email from a friend and I thought it funny enough to warrant a post all by itself.  Not sure where it originated from so due acknowledgement belongs to the original owner whoever that may be.  I have seen it before and I’m sure some of you have as well.  Nevertheless….

The subject line of the email read: Never take a retired husband shopping!

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury’s.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury’s…

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of  Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practised his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’

One of the Staff passed out.

Hi-ho Hi-ho It’s back to work we go

Well 2013 is well on its way and once again I find myself inundated with work. Besides all my usual work, I was asked by the Theatre Benevolent Fund (TBF) to take over the secretarial duties of the fund. I am a true sucker and have a soft spot for the entertainment industry so I said yes. The TBF looks after actors and people from the entertainment industry who can no longer support themselves financially. The chairman is also a good friend of mine and we work really well together.

So I had my first board meeting today. Firstly I got there about an hour early – got my times mixed up and thought the meeting was at 9 when in fact it was at 10. So I am sure I came across as very eager! Meeting went on all morning and wish I could say it was exciting but no such luck. Now have some work to do getting it all under control. It is not a big job, I am just hyper efficient when it comes to paperwork so I need things done my way.

Son no 3 returned from school camp on Friday – thank goodness. Going from 4 sons down to 1 at home is a real shock. It is just so quiet – no sibling rivalry, nobody threatening to kill each other. I mean how do you cook for 1 child as well? All seems a bit pointless – I understand he has to eat but really. Anyway, it was nice to have son no 3 back home again to liven the place up.

I had to put my one kitty down on Friday so that was a bit of a downer. Poor Charlie was about 13 years old. He has suddenly lost loads of weight and wasn’t eating and stopped grooming himself. So I had him at the vet on Friday morning and they ran loads of tests and confirmed that he had total renal failure. They could start treatment but it would be a long road for Charlie, if he reacted positively to the treatment in the first place. So although I am not happy about the decision to put him to sleep, I think it is the right one.

I have to spend quite a bit of time doing accounts this week. Been busy with getting the year started and kids back to school so far this year so now have to concentrate on company accounts. It is also financial year end next month so need to start drawing up the financials for the auditors.  The joys of running your own business!

AFCON 2013

Then opening ceremony of the AFCON 2013 went reasonably well yesterday. This is one of our events we are currently working on. It pissed it down with rain all day yesterday so the props were all soaked through, costumes were soaking, field cover was wet and slippery. So all things being equal, it went off OK. Now for the closing ceremony in a months time.

Thank You

My blog was featured on bloggers.com last week as well. I had an overwhelming response from everyone and I want to say Thank You to all my fellow bloggers who congratulated me and sent me all sorts of kind messages. I am truly amazed at the support I received and am truly blessed.

I have also made a few new friends in the bloggersphere this week – so nice to have met you all and really appreciate the comments and friendly banter.  Hope you are going to be regular visitors to my blog and keep up with the banter.  I have been introduced to some interesting places that I may put on my places to go list in the future as well.  Two years ago I thought I had been to all the places I wanted to go but it is now an ever growing list with no end.

Valentines day is approaching fast so hope you are all out shopping for that someone special in your life.  Let me know what you have in mind.

Tell Me More Tell Me More Like Did He Have A Car

Women can be quite superficial at times. We all want certain things in a man and the list usually looks something like this:

  • Must be Good looking;
  • Intelligent;
  • Chivalrous;
  • Must have a good Sense of humor;
  • Good Manners;
  • Lots of money – In fact this should be at the top of the list; and
  • Must have a Nice car

So I thought I would explore the “Nice Car” scenario in this post. The term “Nice” is relative of course and we all have our favorites. So I thought I would make a list of certain cars and identify them with a celebrity of my choosing. I have decided to use the following cars and list some of the traits associated with men who drive them (based on my opinion of course) and then if I were single (hypothetically speaking), would I date or marry a guy who drives one.

(Specific Car model is not relevant)

Mercedes Benz

What sort of guy I perceive drives one:

  • Entitled
  • Spoilt
  • Arrogant
  • Dick

Would I date or marry him:

  • I’ve never been a fan of a Mercedes – even with the shirt off top down.

BMW

What sort of guy I perceive drives one:

  • Think they own the road
  • Selfish
  • Talk down to people

Would I date or marry him:

  • Nope – Doesn’t appeal to me at all.  

Jaguar

What sort of guy I perceive drives one:

  • Suit kind of guy
  • Sophisticated
  • Non-spontaneous
  • Not bothered about peer pressure

Would I date or marry him:

  • It is a nice car but I will take this under consideration – perhaps just a short term affair – who knows, I may need a lawyer one day!

Audi

What sort of guy I perceive drives one:

  • A guy who is not sure if he should be driving a Mercedes, a Lexus or a BMW.
  • Settled for second best
  • Non-committal

Would I date or marry him:

  • Maybe – The car doesn’t say enough about him.  Perhaps a few dates to test the water and have a little fun

Land cruiser / Prado 

What sort of guy I perceive drives one:

  • Ready for a challenge
  • Spontaneous
  • Rough & Ready

Would I date or marry him:

  • I personally drive a Prado and I quite like the rough and ready type – so a definite maybe

Land rover

What sort of guy I perceive drives one:

  • Not afraid to get his hands dirty
  • A man who know’s how to change the oil (after all – you have to be able to fix it every time it breaks down)
  • Rough & Ready

Would I date or marry him::

  • Just like the Land Cruiser – a definite maybe. 

Range Rover (Not the Evogue – those are for Women drivers only!)

What sort of guy I perceive drives one:

  • Stable, solid guy
  • Successful, yet adventurous
  • Safe
  • Rough & Ready

Would I date or marry him:

  • A definite YES (Hubby used to drive one – But it kept breaking down all the time so he dumped it!  Pity)

Porsche

What sort of guy I perceive drives one:

  • Spontaneous
  • Exciting
  • Gorgeous smile smirk
  • Abs to die for

Would I date or marry him:

  • Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, oh YES…..  Even if it doesn’t have a back seat!  Sorry – what were we talking about again…… Would I marry him?  Not on your life!

Porsche Cayenne

What sort of guy I perceive drives one:

  • Someone who used to drive a real Porche and has had to settle for second best for practical reasons
  • Committed

Would I date or marry him:

  • Hmm – Probably.  Perhaps just good enough for an affair though as he is probably taken

Lexus

What sort of guy I perceive drives one:

  • Boring
  • Practical
  • Didn’t think of a Mercedez Benz 

Would I date or marry him:

  • No – not really

Bentley

What sort of guy I perceive drives one:

  • Loads of money
  • Born with a silver spoon in his mouth
  • Who cares about the rest – he is loaded (Normal rich guys who earned their money will drive something a little more showy)

Would I date or marry him:

  • Definitely – he is loaded – perhaps he’ll only live another 6 months

Aston Martin

What sort of guy I perceive drives one:

  • Very successful
  • Oozes money
  • Could be fun

Would I date or marry him:

  • Yes – No questions asked!

Ferrari (Only red ones count – any other color is a fake!)

What sort of guy I perceive drives one:

  1. Show-Off
  2. Pretentious
  3. Guy who is trying to make up for “what’s not under the hood”

Would I date or marry him:

  • I could “get off” on just looking at this car, but I’m afraid I would never date a guy who own’s one – just too pretentious for me and probably too much competition in the wings.

Hope I didn’t offend anyone – I am always open to persuasion!

Way Back When

A fellow blogger recently did a post on remembering what it was like being a kid (you know – back in the old days). So I thought I would do some reminiscing as well.

One of my earliest memories was when I was about 5. We lived on a sewerage farm back then and my dad was the big boss. There were only 11 houses on the sewerage farm and probably about 10 or 11 kids in total lived on the farm. We were all around the same age. Anyway, back then we lived in a much safer world. We were free to roam around and one of our neighbors sons was visiting and we were playing outside. For whatever reason, we were showing each other our various you know what parts and he kissed me. My mother happened to be looking out the window and saw us. He was banished for life and I remember getting the hiding of my life. He may have been banished for life from ever visiting me again but I have many memories of the two of us getting up to all sorts of mischief when I was not at home.

I remember my brother and I used to fight all the time. I am 5 years older than him. I remember the maid locking him in his room when he was about 3 or 4 to keep us apart. I was not too impressed with this and went outside to wind him up through the window and I ended up breaking the window. I didn’t tell anyone and when my parents got home they assumed it was him and he was severely punished. My brother and I are the greatest of friends now but back then we were arch enemies.

When we were both older, my dad bought us each a horse – at least mine was a horse and I think stood about 21 hands high (if I remember the terminology correctly). It was white and grey and I called him Stoney. My brother got a much smaller horse (may have been a Pony) as he was much younger. It was pregnant at the time and a lot more tame than mine. Anyway, I loved my horse. I learnt to ride very quickly and being on a farm, we were free to ride and roam about. I was always on my horse with some of the neighbors kids who also had horses. We rode without saddles most of the time. And as we all got older, we started venturing off the property onto the back roads to bordering towns.

My parents both worked all day back then. There was no one to supervise us except the maid and I think if we were not home, she had less to worry about. I was hardly home. If I was at home, I was listening to my portable cassette deck and was probably listening to Elvis.

I used to go to an English school. The neighbors kids all spoke Afrikaans as their home language so they went to a different school. I used to walk about 2km every morning to catch a bus to school. Back then girls were not allowed to wear pants to school and our uniform was a skirt and blouse with short white socks and I remember being absolutely freezing early in the mornings. Stockings didn’t help either.

Life has changed so much now. I have 4 boys and they have always had 24 hour supervision. Never allowed to go out without me knowing where they are going, with who they are going, what they are going to do and when they are doing it. They have never used public transport on their own. Never been able to ride their bikes out on the street. We just do not live in the same safe world. I suppose living in Johannesburg doesn’t help either as it is not the safest city in the world.

Let me know how far back you can all remember….

Let’s Get It On

One of hubby’s favorite sayings is that children are the worlds greatest contraception. And he is so right. Hubby is always complaining he doesn’t get enough “stress relief” as he calls it. And  this is why:

(You should be listening to this whilst reading this post)

I got pregnant with Son no 1 during our first year of marriage.  We were married for 11 weeks when morning sickness kicked in and all I wanted to do was throw up or eat pancakes.  And then feeling like a waddling elephant does nothing for ones libido. I am also one of those woman who looked like I was 6 months pregnant at 6 weeks so I really did feel fat and ugly during my pregnancy.

Then there is the actual childbirth. Now I had my first son the traditional way. I was zonked on sleeping tablets when I popped and was not able to push properly.  When I checked into the hospital they told me I still had many hours to go before I was fully dilated so they gave me sleeping tablets to relax and go to sleep. So they had to give me an episiotomy when the time came. After this, there was no way hubby was coming anywhere near me for a long long time.  I could barely sit never mind think about anything going near my nether regions.

Then there is the sleepless nights and getting up at 10pm, midnight, 2am, 3am, 5am and feeling like a zombie all day.

Then your new offspring start to become real humans and become more active. This is when they want to sleep in your bed – this is usually the best time to go out and buy that king sized bed and learn to sleep on the last 12 inches of the bed – a habit I still have much to hubby’s disgust.

Then just as your offspring gets used to sleeping in their own room at around the age of 3, you then go and fall pregnant again and start the process all over again.

I did this 4 times. I never had an episiotomy again.  Caesars were the way to go for me – at least I could sit after giving birth and hubby had a chance of a quickie between nappy changes!

So this amounts to about 15 years of not having great sex. You learn very quickly to do things quietly and express your OOHS and AAHS in silence in the middle of the night.

Then finally, your child bearing years are over – YIPPEE – time to concentrate on how to feel like a women again and get your mojo back.

By this time of course you find yourself 40 pounds heavier and start finding a new grey hair on a daily basis. Your stress levels are now hovering in the clouds. After all you have kids to put through good colleges and mortgages to pay and you are in debt up to your ears.

Men and women are total opposites when it comes to stress – when men are stressed, they want stress relief in the form of sex. When women are stressed, we just want piece and quiet – preferably with a good book or blogs to read.  So when Hubby comes home and wants to “get it on“, it is the last thing on my mind.

And then Menopause sets in.

Having to deal with hot flashes, night sweats and insomnia leave me feeling very tired and irritable.  Constant mood swings make it difficult to get into sex when it’s happening.  Incontinence, weight gain, vaginal dryness all affect the way we feel.

It is not that we are dead inside – I mean if we can drool at the sight of Johnny Depp, then surely we should have some form of libido.

But somehow the brain does not communicate this to the correct parts of the body.  It is like your eyes are bigger than you stomach.

I often find myself looking at other men – especially those with prominent “penis pointers” (feel free to post a comment if you do not know what these are and I will explain them to you) and at the back of my mind I get the urge to possibly drag hubby down the passage and ravage him. But that urge just does not flip the switch all the way down.

This is when you realize that you have dinner to cook / kids to collect / homework to check / bank accounts to balance / bills to pay / animals to feed / cupboards to clean / shopping to do / emails to send / contracts to finalise / proposals to write / filing to do ……… And you put your hands up in defeat and wish you were sitting on the couch with your feet up …… And the switch just flips back up and the urge dies a sudden death.

Hubby has realised that the best time to “get any“, is to wake me up early before the brain wakes up and the “to do list” takes a footing for the day.  It is not the most exciting sex one could hope for, but at least we are making the best of it.  He tries to suggest we get the toys out or watch a video out of our secret draw.  But I know that the moment my brain wakes up, I will not be as willing.

I have been married for 25 years and I must admire the patience and understanding of my dear hubby through all these years as he certainly has not had his fair share of Getting It On!

The Rat Race has begun

The new year has started with a bit of a fizzle for me. Hubby was asleep by 8.30pm on New Year’s Eve. I stayed awake till 10pm (or midnight Dubai time) so I could wish son no 2 a happy new year. He was stuck out in the desert somewhere taking photo’s of the fireworks launching from the Burj Khalifah on behalf of the firework company. I was then vaguely awake till about 1am just keeping an ear open for our pets who don’t take too kindly to the fireworks.

Son no 1 and his wife spent the evening celebrating with friends, son no 3 and 4 spent the evening gaming on their new gaming laptops in their rooms.

Woke up to a normal day on the 1st. Son no 1 and his wife came over and we had a braai which was rained out. So we spent a day the couch rather than a day in the sun due to bad weather. At least we were all together and that made me very happy.

I must admit the holidays have been a bit of a wash out for me. I needed a holiday really badly towards the end of last year. I felt like I was hanging on a thread. I was stressed and irritable and felt like I was losing it. The holidays were in sight and this was keeping me going. I could switch my brain off and recharge my batteries, ready for new challenges.

Well a holiday was not to be and found myself working through the holiday season.  Although I didn’t spend all day at my desk, I also had other household chores to do and tried to accommodate some time with the kids as well. So my brain has not been able to power down. I am still stressed and irritable and I am very emotional and the slightest thing touches me very deeply.

The last 2 years have been hard on me with son no 2 living in another country. Don’t suppose I will ever be able to get over it. Just spent the second Christmas without him. It does make me sad, but I know there will be Christmas’ in the future that we will spend together with his future wife and future kids which will make up for it. I just hope there will be Christmas’ that I will have all 4 of my sons with me at the same time.

The one and only regret I have is not being with him for his 21st in November last year. It is one milestone in my sons life I was not there to share with him and I will never be able to get back. In hindsight, I should have insisted on going to Dubai and being there with him and it is the one regret I have that will haunt me for many many years to come.

Kids go back to school this coming week and I suppose that means the year is well and truly on its way. The rat race has begun!