Things I’d Rather Be Doing Than Having a Pap Smear

I am due for my annual pap smear this week so I thought I would come up with a list of things I’d rather be doing while laying there in all my glory.

It always amazes me when the Gynecologist asks you to please get undressed and put a gown on – I mean what for?  He is seeing everything there is to see and more.  Not to mention that the gown is typically 3 sizes too small and doesn’t tie anyway.  So really what is the point.

Then you lie on the bed while he pretends to make small talk and apologizes while he gropes your tits, gently opening one side of the gown, grope, grope, then closing it and opening the other side and having a quick grope there as well.  Guess what Doc – the small talk is not helping.

Then the towel comes out and gets thrown over your knees and he asks you to please lift them up and part them.  I am really not bothered about you seeing my knees Doc!  He then brings the lamp right up to your nicely clean shaven / waxed parts and shines it right up there.  Then the gloves comes on and the tube of lube appears.  Ug!

He is still making small talk and you are now trying to not think about him or what he is saying or what he is doing and you are trying to think of…….

  • Taking out the trash
  • Cleaning the drains
  • Scrubbing the shower
  • Scrubbing the remnants last night spaghetti sauce off the carpet which your little one gladly brought up at 2am
  • Cleaning out the litter box
  • Cleaning behind the stove
  • Cleaning the kids toilet
  • Picking up the “present” your cat brought in earlier
Let me know of some of the things you would rather be doing than having your annual check up….


10 thoughts on “Things I’d Rather Be Doing Than Having a Pap Smear

  1. Yep i would be thinking of how bad it sucked compared to having mammogram squeeze my girls into pancakes, having my dental teeth cleaning scheduled and having my eye exam scheduled to have all the yucky stuff out of the way!

  2. I hate having pap smears! UGH! Great post and right on the money about how you lay there wishing you were anywhere but there with your legs spread wide and your doctor feeling around your vagina for anything abnormal while talking about the upcoming 4H fair. LOLKathy

  3. Pap smears are good for the ladies health but why not make it more fun. Get yourself a nice little 'jack n the box' – something that will jump out of the crevices to frighten the living daylights out of old doc. Maybe pin a banner stating women's rights to the 'under region' to surprise old doc when he lifts the towel. Or why not attach an automatic spray – so as he lifts the veil to life, he gets a perfumed sprinkling, ha ha ha. Anyway, I'm getting carried away now so I better stop it now. OH, I noticed how you thought alot about cleaning whilst in this position!!!!!

  4. I love this post Lanthie–and I also love RPD's comments! Hilarious! This is one appointment I hate having to keep. I finally got a female doctor instead because my last gyno was a handsome, young man and I about DIED when he lifted the sheet, knelt down and said, "Okay, scoot down closer, Honey!" AHHHHHHH!!!

  5. You shave before? He apologizes during the breast exam? You have a MALE gynecologist?? Seriously it takes EFFORT to find a male ob/gyn in the part of the States I live in. But the small talk thing to put you at east, I see that's universal. You're so polite to shave before.

  6. Lol – Would love to sit and make list of possible pranks! Not sure he would appreciate it.Regarding the cleaning – yeah it is my pet hate. In fact I left out ironing – that is really my pet hate!

  7. Female ob/gyn's are unusual here. I always end up with the more mature kind here as well – if only they were hunky – would make the shaving / waxing part so much more worth it!

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