She knocked it on the head for me when she said “But when I don’t write the heavy shit out, I get stuck.” And it suddenly dawned on me why I am struggling to write just recently.
You see I have not been able to actually sit and write about me for quite a few weeks now. I seem to have lost my sense of humor and hidden the real me behind a false facade.
I have been going through a few personal challenges.
Some Most of which I still cannot sit and write about. Life is complicated at the best of times.
I have been going through a re-discovery period. Questioning life and it’s meaning. And a lot of self realization has happened. I feel I cannot just sit and let life happen. I need to make life happen.
What I need is to be able to sit and write about it all. Just spill my guts and tell you all about how I
feel, what I want and what I’m doing. And how it is all affecting my life. But somehow getting this naked in front of you is very difficult. I am not ready yet to tell my story.
There are only a select few I have been able to open up to. To share my story and my views, without feeling guilty or that I am being judged for feeling the way I do. Others consider it selfish! Some consider it ridiculous! Some consider it stupid! Some say I am being extremely foolish!
So it has made it very hard for me to make decisions about my life. And they certainly are life changing decisions. Am I doing the right thing? It is right for me? Is it right for my kids? Am I being selfish? Am I being foolish? What about money? What about my career? Should I not just be content with what I have? What about ………? There are so many questions…….
Someone said I need to talk it through with a Councillor. Now to be honest I have no faith in Councillors (no offence meant to any of you out there). I just don’t believe there is a box I fit into. I am bigger than any box. Not only that, I don’t want someone else to guide my thoughts. To me the decisions need to come from within and not guided by someone else.
I did actually go and see a Councillor of sorts though and we had a good chat. He made a lot of sense. I expressed my feelings and concerns and questioned my motives. Explained I was having problems with making decisions. Explained how I felt and why I felt it. He told me to stop asking questions. He told me to stop all the “what if’s”. He told me I needed to make decisions based on what my gut was telling me – what I’d known for a long time. To listen to my inner “shakra” or “Yoni”. The rest would resolve itself one way or the other.
So having talked it through with him I feel a lot better in making some decisions. I also feel more confident in the fact that I will be OK, no matter what decisions I make down the line.
The second post I read was by a new blogger called Monique from Yours Sincerely and her post was titled: You Are Perfect Just the Way you are.
The words she used that resonated for me were “Who you are behind the masks is the real “perfect”, you are unique and I must tell you that no mask lasts forever. So while we are trying to maintain that illusion of the perfect mask we are forgetting who we truly are and want to be. We are missing ourselves all while we try our best to keep up the good appearance so the others with the masks won’t judge us.“
And I realize this is so true. I cannot put on a mask anymore. I cannot play at being someone I am not. I NEED TO BE ME! And I believe that I will find happiness if I let the real me out.
And the people in my life need to accept me for who I am and not for who they want me to be. They need to love me for the person I am – UNCONDITIONALLY!
(PS – please pop over and say HI to Monique – She needs some encouragement as a new blogger. Tell her I sent you)