Nobody’s still in charge.

 Hi, I’m back. I think I got away with that last post. Don’t think Lanthie noticed anything.
Just in case she’s unhappy with being hijacked, I’ve written something especially for Life Cherries.
I know Lanthie writes posts about sex and relationships and stuff, so I thought I’d try my hand at some dating advice.
See what you think:

Rules Of Engagement. 

I know you are used to Lanthie posting tastefully posed photos of young ladies and gentlemen in varying stages of undress, but what is it exactly that makes looking at them a pleasing experience? 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m just as likely to get my attention grabbed by a picture of an attractive woman whose clothes seem to have suffered an unexpected gravity incident as the next man, but what exactly is attractive? 

Obviously everyone’s tastes are different, but there must be some sort of template that triggers a reaction in the appropriate region of the brain, telling various other parts of our anatomy that we’re attracted to someone.

Well I can’t speak for all men, (or women) but I think that we could probably come up with a simple guide to explain the main points. 

I’ll begin with the one thing that women (and men) would probably like to think is the first consideration, but secretly don’t think so, even though it actually is potentially the most important.

1) Personality – No matter who your idealised woman (or man) is, I can pretty much guarantee that if you find on the morning-after-the-night-before that she (or he, you get the idea) has the social graces of a reality show reject and the IQ of a watermelon, all the supermodel looks and horizontal gymnastics in the world aren’t going to stay attractive for long. 

If the pinnacle of her conversational skill is discussing who is cheating on whom in the latest instalment of Desperate Real Beauticians Of Housewives In Paradise Revisited and the most commonly used word of her double-digit vocabulary is “innit”, she’s not going to be much use to show off at dinner parties either.

So, once you’ve found yourself deep in conversation with an interesting, witty and charming woman, consider what it was that made you check her out in the first place. 

2) Figure – There’s no getting away from it, if we’re attracted to a complete stranger from across the proverbial crowded room, it’s not likely to be because of their expertise in theoretical physics or views on quantitative easing, it’s because of how they look. 

And unless you’re in close fairly close proximity, all you really have to go on is hair colour and body shape. 

Now I’m a firm believer in proportion. 

It’s all very well having tits like overinflated beach balls, but if you’re six foot tall, have a 13″ waist and weigh five stone, I’m afraid you have an extremely odd notion of what constitutes attractive. 

The focus on image, “beauty”, cosmetic surgery and the need to conform to ridiculous standards set by the fashion industry has conspired to rob an entire male generation of normally shaped women. 

If we’d wanted something that looked like a stick insect with balloons up its sweater we’d have invented genetic engineering sooner. 

3) Voice – If you think you’ve found a new soul mate to live out the rest of your days with, make sure you’re not basing this life changing decision on a night of half-shouted, slightly tipsy flirting over the club sound system.

Because after professing undying love to the pounding beats of the latest techno anthem, waking up the next day to find her voice sounds like a magpie with toothache being dragged down a blackboard will relieve you of your heart-shaped, rose tinted shades in a flash. 

4) Tanning – Orange is not an acceptable colour for a human being.

5) Sense of humour – The reason the acronym GSOH even exists is due to its appearance in countless lonely hearts columns, which just goes to show how important it is to us for other people to think we’re up for a bit of a laugh and a joke every now and then. 

However, laughing like a drain at even the most remotely amusing remark, insisting on doing “the priest and the cucumber joke” in front of elderly relatives at Christmas, habitually wearing “I’m With Stupid→” t-shirts when going out together, and describing yourself as “whacky” or “zany” are not signs that you have a well developed sense of humour. 

It means you are a dick. 

I reckon that if you used these guidelines to pick a prospective mate (and made sure you also applied them to yourself of course) you’d have a pretty fair chance of getting lucky. 

But that’s just me. 

If you’re a socially inept dullard who gets turned on by fluorescent orange, silicon pumped skeletons that sound like Joan Rivers gargling razor blades and think the height of wit is a whoopee cushion, then I’m sure there’s someone out there for you too.